


Mad Science

by tonosamanjuu



Category: James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond (Movies), Skyfall (2012) - Fandom
Genre: Humor, M/M, Mad Scientist AU, dramatic writing, nonsensical stuff really, punny names, ridiculous amount of evil laughter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-05
Updated: 2014-06-05
Packaged: 2018-02-03 11:17:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1742810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tonosamanjuu/pseuds/tonosamanjuu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They warned him not to go near the old house on the hill. They did tell him that a mad scientist lived there, and that human bodies were seen delivered to the house and that he would be next if he did not heed their advice.</p>
<p>So of course, Bond finds himself at the doorsteps of the aforementioned house on one stormy night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mad Science

**Author's Note:**

> MUAHAHAHAHA //lightning flashes  
> Mad scientist Q is really fun to draw. Bond is just confused.
> 
> I wrote a mini story to go with the drawing. I don’t write as much as I draw, and I did it in quite a rush. It’s also unbeta-ed and not Brit picked so please go easy on me :’D
> 
> Also available on my art blog on Tumblr: http://lebearpolarr.tumblr.com/post/87810139039/muahahahaha-lightning-flashes-mad-scientist-q-is
> 
> P.S. Forgive my uninspired title, I am really bad with titles :'D

 

James Bond was an observant man.

It was practically a job requirement. Agents in his field who lack this particular characteristic tend to find their career very short-lived (as well as well, their lifespan). But Bond had to admit that even the densest person could not miss spotting the huge, conspicuous house en route to the little town of Framlingham. The lightning flash behind the old house did add a dramatic effect to his first sight of the house.

“What can anyone tell me about the house up on the hill on the way to town?” Bond asked the folks of Suffolk a couple of hours later in one of the local pubs.

The question was met with a collective silence in the pub (though one of the more drunk men squeaked and fell off his seat). Some whispering occurred amongst them, glancing at Bond surreptitiously a few times before the barman, a burly old man with a fine and bushy beard, stepped up, followed by the rest of the towns people.

“The big, ol’ one with the patchy roof?”  
  
“Yes.”

“With the run down shutters and delipidated walls?”

“Yes.”

“Ugly door knockers?”

“I’m afraid I haven’t gotten close enough to judge on the aesthetics of the door knockers, sir.”

“Well, then it’s better that you didn’t get close enough to be able to see them,” the barman warned darkly.

“A mad scientist lives there!” a waitress raved.

Bond snorted.

“You may scoff,” the waitress sneered, “But plenty of us have seen large packages delivered to his house. Human sized packages.”

“Maybe he’s lonely, you know those life sized dolls-”

“ _And_ ,” a new person cut in, this time a young man, “the store I work for supplies his groceries. I’ve made deliveries and every time I do, he never shows himself, but he talks to me using a disembodied voice at the front door. And he cackles when he thinks I’ve left. And his name on his credit card payment is Abra Cadaver. Who has names like that?”

“At least it doesn’t rhyme with cannibal,” Bond smirked.

He was met with dirty looks from everyone.

“Our point is, stay away from that house if you value your life.”

——————

Apparently, Bond was very bad at listening to advice.

He knew this already of course, with M, Tanner and that old fart at Q-Branch taking turns in lecturing him everyday on The Importance of Listening to Their Advice, but this had to be the worst case of Very Bad Ideas.

Seventeen hours after his successful mission, Bond found himself at the front door of the house that everyone warned him to stay away from. To be fair, it was not his fault that his MI-6 issued car broke down (bloody Q-Branch) right in the middle of a fierce thunderstorm thirty minutes away from town with the house being the nearest and only shelter. But between a possible mad scientist who might or might not cut him up for crazy experiments, and the crazy thunderstorm which looks set to drown anyone who remains outdoors for five minutes, he will take the chance with the mad scientist.

But bugger him sideways if the door knocker really was very ugly, Bond grimaced as he grabbed the tongue of the gargoyle door knocker and knocked three times.

Thunder struck the moment a disembodied, crackling voice could be heard above him.

“Evening. Sorry my speaker is broken, I know I sound like Vincent Price with a cold on it. State your business.”

Well, that solves the mystery of the disembodied voice.

“Sorry, would you mind putting me up at least until the thunderstorm is over?”

A pause, some static and more crackling before the voice said, “Come in.” And the doors opened inwards with an ominous creak.

Bond stepped in, and the first thing he thought was that bloody hell, this place smells of death and decay. It was also filthy as hell. The walls were brown with grime and there were paper and unknown materials strewn about everywhere. Bond was getting giddy from the terrible smell of rotting meat. He almost did not notice the cackling in the background. Following the laughter, he trudged forward past the living room to the steel door marked “Test Chamber Ahead”, and opened it hesitantly.

The first thing Bond thought when he opened the door was, “Well shit, the Suffolk folk might be right about Mr. Abra Cadaver after all.”

The second thing Bond thought was that well, at least he was a  _hot_  mad scientist.

Really, he should not be finding a skinny looking kid with a bird’s nest for hair attractive, but there was something compelling about the boy’s slender form and red lips. The part where he was laughing evilly while mixing chemicals in conical flasks, waving test tubes in his hands and poking and prodding at what looked like a green hand while bouncing around the table was a little bit off putting though. The green, glowing goggles that the kid was wearing coupled with his tousled hair did not help with the image either. But instead of stepping away quietly while his presence was not detected from the potentially dangerous scientist who was currently picking up a glass jar that contained what looked like a human brain, Bond did the stupidest thing he could do.

Bond cleared his throat, causing the young man to finally notice him.

“Good lord!” the mop-haired man jumped, “Forgive my rudeness, I was distracted by the promising results of my experiment that I forgot that I let you in.” Bond suddenly sincerely hoped that this man would never encounter an assassination attempt because he would probably not last very long.

“The folks at Framlingham told me about you, Mr. Cadaver.”

To his surprise (or maybe not), the man started laughing heartily.

“Talked to Ben from the grocer’s I see? They tell you that I’m a mad scientist then? Though they’re probably right sometimes, experiments can be so aggravating when they don’t go as one envisioned.”

“They did tell me about your ugly door knocker, which I do have to agree about,” Bond replied.

“Barbarians. Nobody appreciates gargoyles nowadays,” the scientist sniffed.

"Your house is filthy. Your mold has mold growing on them"

“A scientist doesn’t have time for trivial matters like spring cleaning.” the man said simply. “I never did get your name, Mr…?”

“Bond, James Bond.”

“Well Mr. Bond, I’m afraid I’ll have to kill you now, as you have seen my secret projects,” Mr. Cadaver’s glasses glinted.

Bond tensed, his hand twitching for his Walther in his holster.

“Joking, you didn’t think that I really was a mad scientist, did you?” the scientist laughed and went back to poking at the brain in the jar.

Speechless, Bond stared at the man thinking that he really was mad to joke about killing a Double-Oh. Instead of voicing this, he decided to ask a question that has been bugging him since he entered the room.

“Where did you get those from?” Bond gestured in the general direction of the various body parts pickled in jars.

“Government provided. Biomechanics is a rather important subject at the moment.”

“So you’re working for the government.”

“Technically. They did offer me a role in MI-6, but I didn’t think that it’d be interesting.”

“MI-6.” Bond deadpanned.

“Yes, and I assume that you are a Double-Oh? Based on that Walther PPK you are sporting under your jacket and that Q-Branch standard issue ear radio receiver.”

“How-”

“Major Boothroyd and I happened to be friends, and he has been trying to recruit me as his successor for over a decade.” Mr. Cadaver smirked.

“I can imagine that the old man is not very happy about you continuously declining him. That pompous old man has been trying to retire for years.” Bond smirked.

“Oh I can imagine, with headaches like you Double-Ohs to look after.”

Bond laughed, maybe this mad scientist would be better company than he thought.

——-

The next day, Bond repaired the man’s roof before returning to MI-6.

“By the way, my name’s not really Abra Cadaver,” the scientist said when sending Bond off, “And no, you won’t be able to find out my real name.”

True to his word, not even Major Boothroyd knew of the boy’s name, but it seemed that he was telling the truth about his acquaintance with Boothroyd.

Two days later, Major Boothroyd announced his retirement as Quartermaster of MI-6 and called for an emergency meeting with the entire operatives staff and the Double Oh faction to introduce his replacement. Bond was not surprised when the mad scientist he met during the stormy night stepped up to introduce himself.

“I thought you didn’t find MI-6 interesting?” Bond questioned the new Q as Q outfitted Bond for the first time for a mission.

“Mmm, MI-6 suddenly got interesting two night ago,” Q shrugged as he passed to Bond a gun and a radio.

“By the way, here’s a little extra something for your mission.” Q handed Bond a small box and left.

Bond opened the box and laughed.

It was the ugly as hell door knocker.


End file.
